TEST DRIVE MEME

[bibliofilo]

TEST DRIVE MEME

> The Park. Man, what a nice day out. Why not enjoy it? I'm sure -- shit, yep, there's some echo monsters.
> The Mall. Exactly what it says on the tin! Dodge the hordes of teenage mallrats or take part, whichever suits your tastes.
> Rainy Day. Agh, it's fucking awful out. And is it raining those vermilion things?? Now you've got an Echo to contend with on top of everything else. Find some shelter, quick!
> PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, HOW FUN
> The most horribly kitschy Arts and Crafts Fair you can imagine.
> NEW YEARS. What better way to start out the new year than to learn that everything you know is a lie? Or if you are already acquainted with the network pass out some resolutions.
> A food fight has just broken out in the cafeteria. Join? Flee? The choice is yours alone.
> Wild Card! Make up your own.

Comments

[and_taxes]

[what am i doing even i never play psychopomps

Option A]

It's snowing hard and few people are out. A scrawny tax accountant with the look of a chronic hesitator has somehow acquired a large sword with a kind of blue glow along the edges of the blade and looks like he's trying to decide whether to run off with it or drop the thing.

[option B, later]

As far as Bill is concerned the strangest thing about becoming a seven-foot skeleton with faint blue lights in its eye sockets overnight is that no one notices. People might see, but somehow they always dismiss the evidence*. If pressed someone might, with effort, venture that he's lost weight. On the Discworld, only some animals, small children, magic users, fellow Anthropomorphic Personifications, and the dying or those near death seem to notice.

So things have been going on as normal. Just picking up groceries, here, making sure to get lots of milk.

[aaaand option C, much later]

You** are dying, or else there is a pause for breath during a life-threatening situation in which you very nearly die. A tall robed skeleton with a scythe is present.

ER... HANG ON A MOMENT. He examines a golden hourglass, an uncertain look on his... on his... he looks uncertain. I'M SURE I KNOW HOW THIS GOES.

* Even when that comes in the form of touching bone rather than skin which, were Bill more of a connoisseur of the flesh, would make for a rather different kind of story.
** By which is meant "your character", not whomever is unlucky enough to be reading these words. The reader has quite a few years left. Hopefully.

holy christ i want to tag every one of these options | but i'll go with B

[umbrael]

As Doyle is slowly starting to learn by the time of this hypothetical and non-canon log, in his past life he was an ancient god of darkness and possibly also a Literal dinosaur. Which classifies him as a magic user, an animal, and maybe an anthropomorphic personification by technicality.

To get to this point he's also echoed back a few memories telling him he's seen Some Shit in that past life, as you can imagine one does in the life of a shadowy dinosaur god. Remembering weird things is all well and good, but it's still a little different from seeing one in the flesh (or lack therof, as it were).

He had no reason to stop in the dairy section, and thus tragically lacks an excuse for how he's slooowing down and s t a r i n g at this walking skeleton. Just hanging out in the grocery store. Unnoticeable to everyone else, apparently. Oh god, this is numbers shit, isn't it?

At some point he's just stopped, and his mouth is open to say something, but nothing's coming to mind. Or, rather, nothing's coming to mind that's more intelligent than 'Uhhhhh', 'What?', or 'walking skeleton?'

Re: holy christ i want to tag every one of these options | but i'll go with B

[and_taxes]

Bill*, unused to being above about five foot eight with good shoes, hits his skull against one of the hanging light fixtures common to certain forms of supermarket. It makes a hollow crack.

OW. Wait, he's done it again. Of course another thing no one notices is how his voice can get - like lead on stone - but just for the sake of it, he'd rather not do that. "I mean, ow."

A furtive glance to see if someone's noticed - someone's staring. Uh oh. Bill grins, not that it's entirely possible to make other expressions. "Um..."

*He'd been having more of an urge of late to append his last name to his first in all circumstances, but as his writer isn't sure whether anyone is actually named Door, it will have to remain unsaid.

[umbrael]

Doyle stumbles backwards a step or two when the skeleton dings a light fixture, out of reflex more than anything. The way it says OW doesn't help anything either, and he looks around to see if anyone else is noticing the giant skeleton. Anyone? Anyone at all?

He's almost elated when he notices other people staring, but that's shot down pretty quickly when he realizes they're side-eying him. The bright side is, that helps him get a hold of himself, somewhat. He gets himself to stand in a way that doesn't look like he's two seconds from bolting, as he stares up at this skeleton grinning at him. And that might not be just a cutesy way of describing a skull - maybe it's grinning... nervously?

... Nope, it's just a skeleton.

Okay then. Doyle shuts his mouth, takes a breath, narrows his eyes a little - and stops himself from pointing at the skeleton. The tension remaining in his stance probably broadcasts enough.

"Okay. Okay - are you network bullshit, or are you alien bullshit?" he says, his voice coming out a little more strained than casual.

[and_taxes]

A few of the bystanders had glanced his way and found themselves entirely unwilling to believe there was anything out of the ordinary about him, and their attention has drifted to the man gawping at him or, in many cases, back to the vital task of procuring food and drink.

For his part Bill glances about and checks behind him, but it doesn't look like this man's looking at anything else. Drat. He has to think of a way to handle this.

When he's trying not to use The Voice, he sounds rather meek. "Not bullshit at all. There is a sale today."

And then he has to pause. It's never occurred to him to wonder about the term before, but surrounded as he is by dairy... "I would think agriculturally bullshit would be considered a positive, and entirely inevitable. It is also very real. Quite a drift in meaning."

[umbrael]

Well - at least - it sounds less threatening now?

He's silent through the pause, trying to process what the giant skeleton just said to him, really, and when it's his turn to talk he just - opens his mouth. And closes it a little, then opens it again, closes it faster this time, and he finds himself - honestly, pondering the skeleton's words. He wouldn't be the first person in the history of his world, his past life's world, and surely the skeleton's world, to reflect on the wisdom of Death, even if it wasn't exactly the most glamourous observation to muse upon.

Where I'm getting with this, is, when Doyle opens his mouth again, it's to say, absolutely serious: "Huh. You know, I never thought about that before."

He rubs his chin as he contemplates language some more, its gradual shift over time, and how old this made him all feel (despite not actually being that old at all, in this life).

It's safe to say that this isn't how the scholars of his past life would have imagined a meeting between their living god and Death would go. Somewhere, a reptilian philosopher has lost a bet.

[and_taxes]

The entity that had once been and might one day again be the Stealer of Souls, Defeater of Empires, Swallower of Oceans, the Ultimate Reality, Harvester of Mankind, "Picker-Up of Unconsidered Trifles" etc, was relieved. He never knew what to do when someone freaked out. It so rarely happened!

"Cattle were once a signifier of wealth, too. Perhaps it is because of cities? I find many things are." People cramming together in stacks had downsides, he'd always known this, but it was becoming harder to recall the upsides.

C

[aceofknaves]

Ugh, Souji could taste blood. This sucked and there was still a giant broken fang stuck in his shoulder. It really, really hurt. In fact, he couldn't feel his left arm. Which was honestly freaking him out a little. He needed that arm.

...The presence of the skeleton didn't help.

"Holy shit, you again? You stay away from me! And keep your chains to yourself!"

[and_taxes]

The skeleton looks up from the hourglass and seems briefly panicked.

CHAINS? I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT CHAINS. DO I NEED THEM?

[aceofknaves]

"No! No, you don't need them!" Souji was now struggling to get up, which pretty much just ended in experiencing new and fascinating kinds of pain. He flopped bonelessly back onto the grass.

"I swear I didn't even touch that chest, so back off with the suspicious hourglass, buddy. Or I'll..." He turned his head left and right for possible sources of help, but found none. "Seriously? No one's around?"

[and_taxes]

The recently minted Death stood over him, concerned, and offered a bony hand. IF THERE WERE, THEY COULD NOT HELP YOU.

There was a pause. I THINK WE HAVE TWO VERY DIFFERENT EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY I AM HERE. I CAME TO OFFER HELP.

[aceofknaves]

Souji eyed that hand with skepticism. It looked pre-tty bony.

"Okay, but you've definitely got the whole Grim Reaper thing going on. This isn't the kind of 'help' that involves putting me out of my misery, is it?"

[and_taxes]

ER... WELL. YES, ACTUALLY. Death scratched at his skull with a faint scrabbling noise. I REALIZE THAT PROBABLY ISN'T WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME ON THE JOB.

[aceofknaves]

Souji had, in fact, been starting to reach out to take the proffered hand... but at that answer, he snatched it back immediately. "Not what I want to hear?! Get. Away. From me."

Goddammit, there was no he'd be able to beat this Reaper guy on his own. He needed to fix this. Preferably nowish.

With a sudden surge of strength and fortitude, he sat up and started pulling at the fang. Wait, no. Bad idea. That really hurt. Plus, he got the feeling that it was acting like a plug or something, because he wasn't bleeding as much as he expected.

"Look. Reaper. Death. Whatever you call yourself. I need you to do me a solid and call 911."

[and_taxes]

Sighing, Death drew back. It seemed Souji was going to make it. Only the living are this obstinate*.

I CANNOT. IF YOU ARE HAVING A NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE, IT FOLLOWS THAT I AM HAVING AN EXPERIENCE NEAR YOU.

*Dying tends to mellow a soul out. Notice how few of the dead protest if you ignore custom and insult them.

[aceofknaves]

What the -- was this guy just going to stand there and watch?

"What do you mean, 'having an experience'? You know what I'm experiencing right now? A giant goddamn tooth embedded in my torso. Don't you have a cell phone or something?"

Aforementioned tooth was making Souji rather irritable.

B

[notbloody]

There are a woman in her mid-twenties and a girl around eight in the store, shopping as well. At some point, the child will stop following her sister around and just stare at Bill, obviously intrigued with the sight.

She's wearing a big head, and her eyes follow him attentively. The older woman doesn't notice at first and continues shopping. Eventually, though, she notices and returns to her sister's side to kneel down and say something, too low for anyone to hear and also not in English. It's not really helping - as soon as the older woman has returned to shopping, the girl is staring again.

[and_taxes]

Bill tried to ignore it, but something about the gaze of some children can pierce iron. Every time he glances that way she's there, looking at him. He's not comfortable around children, like this - they tend to notice, and stare. Usually their parents bustle them away. This doesn't seem to be happening this time.

It would hardly do for him to retreat. This was a child!

ER... he starts, then stops. HELLO.

[notbloody]

"Hello." She considers him for a moment, and then waves him closer. "Lean down. I have to ask you something." And her sister said that it is rude to ask people why they are skeletons in public, and also dangerous. Definitely not something that you should do.

So she won't. Whispering into someone's ears... or where the ear should be, anyway - that totally isn't public, right? She's very responsible.

[and_taxes]

Hesitantly, Bill approaches, bones clicking on the linoleum. He's aware of that sound for the first time in a while, and uncomfortable, similarly - but shoes in that size are hard to find and it's not like he needs them, after all.

He pauses, looming over the girl, and, awkward, decides to go on one knee. Anyone sparing the attention to notice might smile - aww, the... the... the tall man is being gallant! WHAT IS IT YOU WISH TO KNOW?

[notbloody]

Charlotte eagerly waits for him to get down and then immediately leans up, very earnestly asking: "Why are you a skeleton? Siiri says that it is rude to ask people such things, that nobody can help who they are, but nobody else is a skeleton. Are you an advanced zombie?" And then she gets back down and looks up at him, still with that overeager look that is just reminiscent of a puppy.

[and_taxes]

Still on one knee Bill sort of draws back, quite minused. I AM NOT, he says automatically, like he has on the two or three other occasions when it was pointed out.

Then, reconsidering, he realizes he's using That Voice again. "I mean, I'm not. Or - skeletons come from inside people who've died. I've never been.**"

* Nonplussed. Bill had been quite a good accountant before things started happening.
** Entirely true. His mother lives in a home in Ohio.

[notbloody]

"And your voice isn't in the right place."

Her voice is still low, and she leaned in again for the words. At this point, Bill might notice the tall woman from before approaching, but she'll decide that he has the situation under control and leave them to it.

[and_taxes]

That's a new one. "I'm sorry?"

He nods at the girl's sister in what he hopes is a friendly, confident way.

[notbloody]

"It's like when that girl in my class talks. It's here" she puts a finger against her temple "and not here" she puts a finger against her ear. "At least sometimes."