shabadoobie touch to [TEST DRIVE]

[hopediesalone]

HERE WE GO AGAIIIIIN

Here's a few options, ganked from the last one and still as shamelessly stolen from even earlier versions.

> The Park. Man, what a nice day out. Why not enjoy it? I'm sure -- shit, yep, there's some echo monsters or whatever they're called.
> The Mall. Exactly what it says on the tin! Dodge the hordes of teenage mallrats or take part, whichever suits your tastes.
> Rainy Day. Agh, it's fucking awful out. And is it raining those vermilion things?? Now you've got an Echo to contend with on top of everything else. Find some shelter, quick!
> Arts and Crafts Fair. WILL THE KITSCH OVERWHELM YOU
> Or make up your own

Very nice! Test Strike! FABULOUS!

Comments

Connie Springer | Attack on Titan

[wasthatmymom]

[Connie is strolling through the mall like he owns the place with a big grin plastered on his face. He's looking especially confident for someone still wearing his McDonalds uniform and fondling a small, unmarked envelope.]

Three hundred seventy seven...Shit. Yes. Christmas bonuses are my fucking shit. [He taps the envelope against his visor, which sits atop thick, curly, voluminous hair.]

Sure Carol, I'll take your hours. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take them all the way to the fucking bank. No sorry Mom, I can't go to Uncle Kevin's party, I gotta work overtime...[Passively, he tosses the envelope around himself acrobatically while telling himself how smart he is.]

Pizza? Fried chicken? Oh Locke City Mall, you shall now be referred to as "Connie's Oyster", thank you very much.

Thank you veeery-- [He starts to wave the envelope around.

But then he realizes that it's gone]

Wait.

[Patting all his pockets at near the speed of light and then a look of complete and utter despair.]

Oh.

Oh fuck.

Oh. Mother. Fuck.

[There is now a small boy with a big curly afro panicking in the middle of the mall. Approach?]

[drama8om8]

[ When it comes to the subject of ridiculously large coiffures, Octavia isn't one to talk. Some say her hair has achieved sentience. Small animals are frightened of it. One time, she found a dollar in there.

Still. The sight of ~*THE FRO*~ is enough to make her stop and stare. It takes a few seconds of inelegant gawking before she actually says anything. ]

Hair something wrong there, fro?

[ WAIT SHIT ]

I mean. There something wrong there, bro? Uh.

[ Whew. ]

[wasthatmymom]

[Normally a meeting of such glorious manes should be a cause for celebration. But no. There is no time for jovial antics when the last two weeks of Connie's life have slipped from between his fingers. He doesn't even pay mind to her slip of the tongue because A. Few people who meet him aren't initially transfixed by his hair and B. There are bigger fish to fry at the moment.]

Envelope! Did you see it? I think I dropped it, shit shit shit oh shit...

Important...Paycheck...Ffffuck. Tell me you saw it. Tell me you found it on the ground. Tell me god sent you, tell me you're some kind of covert angel delivering my most holy of salvation.

[drama8om8]

If it was important, then you shouldn't have dropped it! Duh. How dumb can you be?

[ Huff! ]

But since I am hells of angelic and all that other shit you just said, I will help you find it. How big is it? And what colour is it? And did you check your hair yet, sometimes I lose things and they turn up in my hair.

[wasthatmymom]

Hey. No. Hey. Yeah. My sophistication has nothing to do with the fact that envelope's these days are slippery as shit. No. Yeah. It's not like important things go in envelopes.

[Checking his hair.]

It was white, it was like, bill shaped, I guess.

Bill as in a thing you have to pay, not as in hilarious african american comedians. Or unfaithful American Presidents.

[Turns around in a circle.]

It couldn't have gotten far... I swear if some piece of shit stole it...

[drama8om8]

Wh-- Whoa, really? Fuck. Here I was, looking for a miniature fucking Bill Cosby all along. Now I am going to have to recheck all the places I previously checked! You need to be clearer about this. You have wasted entire seconds of my life with your negligence, and that's terrible.

Check the trash! Maybe somebody picked it up and throught it was like. Litter.

[ She's not going to check any bins, because she has no intentions of looking like a crazy hobo. She'll just. Keep looking on the ground. And in her own hair, just in case. ]

[wasthatmymom]

Who would think an envelope with a paycheck inside is litter!? And no, that's stupid. Nobody in this town picks up litter. You either steal shit or leave it on the ground, there is no in-between.

[After more panicked searching, Connie sighs.]

I can't believe this. Look at me, strange angry chick. [He pulls at his McDonald's uniform.]

Look at what I've done to myself.

It can't...It can't all be for nothing. I did not surrender my dignity so I could lose the god damn payoff! [Quickly points an accusatory finger at Octavia]

AND DON'T LAUGH THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT.

[drama8om8]

I wouldn't dream of laughing at you, Frollicles. I am an incredibly mature individual! And therefore I find absolutely nothing funny about the fact that you are having an adorable little tantrum in your dorky-ass greasy uniform. Nothing at all!

You are right. This is serious shit. Anyone who would laugh at you is a fucking monster.

 

[ Yeah no she manages to hold that opinion for all of eight seconds before bursting into screechy hysterical laughter. IT'S IMPRESSIVELY OBNOXIOUS IF NOTHING ELSE OK ]

[wasthatmymom]

[HE THOUGHT SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS.

HE THOUGHT HE HAD GAINED A POWERFULLY ALLY IN THE BATTLE THAT IS TEENAGE LIFE.

BUT NO. IT WAS FALSE.]

.......

[Puts his hands on his head. Sighs deeply.]

I thought she was an angel. She's the devil. I'm doomed. It's all over.

[drama8om8]

Oh my god don't be like that. You're ridiculous! Majorly fucking ridiculous.

[ Sometimes, Octavia smiles the kind of smile that makes small babies burst into tears and grown men shriek for their mommies. THIS IS THE SMILE SHE IS SMILING RIGHT NOW. ]

And I am suuuuuuuure you can use that ridiculousness to your advantage. I have about a hundred bucks in my purse, Frodiculous! And even if you can't find your cash, you could totally earn mine.

If you're like. Willing to lose the little dignity you have left.

[ Run, Connie. Flee this place ]

[wasthatmymom]

[Connie remains unfazed, if only because he just isn't smart enough to realize. Money is money though. Being up 477 if he found the check is appealing too...]

...

Hold up.

This isn't like. A weird sexual thing is it?

1/3 oh my fucking god

[drama8om8]

2/3

[drama8om8]

3/3

[drama8om8]

DO I LOOK LIKE THE FUCKING KIND OF GIRL WHO NEEDS TO PAY WEIRD BE-AFROED BOYS TO DO SEX WITH HER?

DOES THAT KIND OF GIRL EVEN EXIST?

[wasthatmymom]

[WOAH DAMN SO LOUD BE CAREFUL GIRL YOU ALMOST BLEW HIS AFRO BACK.

He looks around cautiously.

Did she stop?

Is she done?]

...Well...No?

It's probably not a need.

More of a want, I think. Like, a frivolity, or luxury. You know, like an expensive dish washer. [Sagenod. Connie you are digging your own grave you better realize this.]

[drama8om8]

WHAT.

[ Good job, Connie. YOU RENDERED OCTAVIA SPEECHLESS ]

 

 

[ For like twenty seconds but WHATEVER THAT'S A NEW RECORD ]

ARE YOU COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE? I don't need - or want! - your unsavory fluffhaired ass. I have a boyfriend who is the hottiest hottie and also super badass and I could call him up right the fuck now and tell him to punch you in the fro and he'd do it. Then he'd punch you in the dick. Twice! He's that kind of guy.

[ She digs a photo out of her purse as she's screeching and starts waving it around. It looks a lot like this:



WHAT AN INCREDIBLY SANE-LOOKING AND PHOTOGENIC YOUNG MAN WOW ]

[wasthatmymom]

[Blinkblinkblink. Connie doesn't see the appeal. All Connie sees is a man that has clearly been constipated for quite a while. He narrows his eyes at the picture, and then at Octavia, and so on and so forth.]

So...

I'm not going to get a hundred dollars?

[drama8om8]

No.

In fact, I am pretty sure you owe me a hundred dollars. In compensation. For traumatising an innocent maiden like myself by suggesting that I was soliciting!

[wasthatmymom]

You're saying the word "fuck" an awful lot for an innocent maiden if you ask me.

And I'm pretty sure we're both aware that all my money is hiding somewhere in this mall anyway so I really can't help you out. Also you kind of were soliciting so it's really not my fault for misinterpreting what exactly it was.

Honestly, you seem like the kind of chick who's into that whole degrade your partner thing.